Trying to break the pattern..

It's happening again. I start a blog and after only a few entries I abandon it. So I'm making a point of reflecting tonight in an effort to establish a new pattern.

My original intention was to create a record of my 63rd year of life ; trying to relate how it 'feels.' well, I've come to the realization that I cannot do otherwise. It is my life, my experiences, and my feelings. And since I am now 63, they would only be the feelings of a 63 yr. old woman, nothing more, nothing less.

If you don't follow my dughter's blog, you should. Yesterday was her middle child's fifth birthday. She has been reliving the birth experience. It has been eye-opening for me. I was there but my memories are different from her's.

God was so ready for those events. He made the way smooth for me to retire from teaching in Feb.,2002. I retired on disability but retiring was the best medicine in the world. When Shawn's water broke in the beginning of her second trimester, I was able to move to Asheville for as long as I was needed. I lived at their home with Bookie(who was 2 at the time) and my son-in-law.; Shawn was in the hospital for 6 weeks.

Bookie and I slept on the mattress from the sleep sofa on the living room floor. Shawn had put up the Christmas lights in the windows and started decorating their little "Charlie Brown" tree. Each night, I sang Bookie to sleep by the glow of those lights. She slept hugging my upper arm. Those were some of the most peaceful nights of my life.

Not everything was peaceful. As a smoker, it was a strain not being able to relax with a cigarette for 3 weeks. Oh, I got in cigarettes; I would get Bookie to sleep and then go out on the front porch to smoke; first thing in the morning before she awoke, I'd be back on the porch. Each day, her DaDa took her to the hospital to visit Mommy. Then I'd go to hospital in my car, he'd go to work, and I'd bring Bookie back home. I could smoke in my car on way to hospital. None of those were really enjoyable, relaxing smokes.

Two days before Christmas, I went to the lake in SC for a couple of days alone. Those were really relaxing. On the way back to Asheville on Christmas morning, the engine on my car blew up. I was stranded on the Interstate until a tow truck came and got me and the car. It was in the shop for almost a month.

Then came the birth of our baby. She was so tiny. I didn't get to hold her until they moved her into the progressive care section of the NICU. She had an I.V. in the top of her head. I was so afraid I would hurt her.

These are my memories of Dec. 2004 and half of January, 2005. Memories of a grandmother.